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Copyright © 2004 by Sandra Agazzi Chimenti, M.Ed. All
rights reserved.
There is no right or wrong way to parent children -- just different outcomes. There are as many styles of pertaining as there are parents. Our family history and preferences influence our approaches. Here are three very general categories of pertaining methods: strict, balanced, and lenient. Many of us use one or more pertaining approaches depending on the circumstances, our moods, and our awareness. Ideally, children do well in a more balanced environment -- not too strict and not too lenient. Using a severe authoritarian approach tends to create children who are rebellious or obedient out of fear, not love. A very passive approach may also create defiant behavior because the child may feel the parents don't care enough to set healthy boundaries. The balanced approach sets nurturing guidelines and creates mutual respect with open communication. The children feel safe and comfortable sharing their feeling (even their anger and frustration) in an accepting environment. The parents acknowledge and understand the child's feelings of disappointment and together they communicate their feelings. Parents can model positive communication by using "I" statements like: "I feel _____ when this happens. What I need is _____." Cooperation and compromise are essential to building positive relationships. The pertaining approach that insists "It's my way or the highway!" implies that parents have power and control over their children. Like anyone who feels that someone is trying to assert control, outward rebellion or passive aggressive behavior is inevitable. "Quick-fix" approaches that use guilt, manipulation, or demands actually create more problems for the parents and child. Children interact with other people the way they've been treated by their parents, family members, and other adults. Parents who use bargaining and threats to obtain a child's cooperation tend to have a child who bosses other children (and adults) around. The child imitates the controlling behavior in order to feel a sense of her/his own power. The child may feel it is easier to dominate other children than to gain power over the parents. Eventually, the cycle repeats and the other children rebel and may shun the controlling child. When we want our children to behave a certain way, the first thing we need to observe is our belief system. Why do we need our children to do it our way? Is our way the only way or the best way? What message does that teach our children about cooperation? Do we take it personally when our children don’t comply with our requests/demands? As we learn better ways to communicate with our children, we each learn how to meet our own needs. Guiding our children to make healthy choices for themselves is more important than compliance. We can't always be there to monitor our children. They learn best from the natural consequences of their choices. When there is a dangerous situation, sharing our honest emotions and fears with our children helps open the door for healthy communication. Our children naturally want to please us because they love us. We are all doing our best with what we know. Following our heart while observing the effect our approaches have on our children is our best guidance. In other words, does our pertaining style create more frustration or cooperation? Do our methods bring us further apart or closer to our children? As we observe our children's behavior, we gain valuable feedback. The only way to change what we see on the outside is to change our approach and beliefs from the inside. We set the best examples for our children to model. What we believe, say, and do is mirrored by our children. As we awaken and learn better ways to communicate, our relationships with our children, spouse, and others will improve. We have to be the change we want to see. Our children will always be watching and living what they learn.
Sandra Agazzi
Chimenti, author of The Real Me: Awakening Your True Self, is a parent
and educator with a master's degree in Early Childhood Education. (The Growing Parents column
appeared each month in a local newspaper in Michigan from 2001 - 2007.) |
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